“A Dom I just met asked me if I had aftercare and even asked me to prepare ‘safe words’… What are all these? Am I about to be ‘dominated’?”
If you’ve just become interested in BDSM/SM and are planning to quietly enter the scene, are you a little confused by these terms?
Don’t worry, this is perfectly normal.
You’re not the first “newcomer full of questions,” and you certainly won’t be the last.
This article is specifically written for female beginners in masochism:
Follow this guide, avoid pitfalls, and have more fun.
01. What is a female submissive? Don’t rush into submission.
First, let’s clarify the most crucial question: Who is the female submissive? What is she doing?
M, short for Masochist, is the one in a BDSM relationship who receives stimulation, allows being guided, and obtains pleasure and emotional satisfaction.
Within the community, they are referred to as “sub/Little M/pet,” etc.
However, the key point to emphasize:
Female submissives are not victims, are not subject to manipulation, and are not deprived of their autonomy.
A true female submissive is someone who voluntarily, consciously, and rationally chooses the “experience of being dominated” and enjoys it:
- It is relatively gentle, and can mean being guided, pampered, and cared for.
- The desire for excitement can also come from challenges, shame, control, or heightened sensations.
You can always choose the intensity and method you prefer.
In short:
Female submissives are not weak. Female submissives are in control of their own ways of achieving pleasure.
02. Three Essential Principles for Beginners
Don’t be intimidated by the terms; it may seem complicated, but just remember:
① SSC: Safety, Rationality, Informed Consent
Safety first; stay alert; all actions must be voluntary.
② RACK: Understand the risks and voluntarily participate in thrilling activities.
Knowing the possible consequences, accepting them willingly, and not being blindly influenced or misled.
③ PRICK: Take responsibility for your choices
Ask if you don’t understand, refuse if you’re unsure, and stop if you feel uncomfortable.
Remember this fundamental principle:
Pleasure cannot be obtained through harm, and emotions cannot be obtained through oppression.
03. Newcomers should first memorize these commonly used community terms.
| the term | mean |
| Dom/Domme | The dominant party (Domme, the female leader) is responsible for controlling and guiding. |
| Sub/M | Submissive/Submissive, i.e., female M |
| Switch | Can be both offensive and defensive, capable of handling both playstyles. |
| Kinbaku / Rigger / Bunny | Rope bondage play: Rigger is in charge of tying up, Bunny is tied up. |
| Aftercare | The post-incident stages of comforting, hugging, and communicating about emotions are so important that they cannot be skipped. |
| Safe words | An emergency command to immediately stop all activity. |
04. Five pitfalls every female submissive should know before entering the scene
1) Be cautious when using the internet.
Don’t be fooled by phrases like “I’m good at training”.
There are many scammers, scumbags, and people who use the guise of Dom to engage in PUA (Pick-Up Artist) techniques. If the initial conversation only involves “training,” “tools,” or “humiliation,” it’s likely unreliable. A reliable Dom will proactively discuss safety, boundaries, and informed consent with you, and will be willing to spend time getting to know you.
suggestion:
- Spend some time in reputable online communities and observe who is consistently active and has a good reputation.
- When meeting in person, choose a public place, bring a trusted friend, and turn on location services.
2) The boundaries should be clearly defined in advance.
What is acceptable and what is absolutely unacceptable must be clearly communicated beforehand. For example:
- Can you accept verbal abuse?
- What are the limits of physical contact?
- Are you comfortable with playing in public (e.g., using collars or leashes)?
- What is the scope of use for sex toys/props?
Don’t be afraid of being called pretentious. The worst thing in the industry is “I thought you liked it!”
3) Safety keywords must be determined in advance.
Safety words are not just for show; they are true “protective charms” that safeguard your physical and mental well-being.
Choose words that you can remember, say aloud, and that are unlikely to be misunderstood.
If you encounter a DOM manipulation tool that disregards safe keywords or says things like “I can tell from your reaction,” just cut off all contact!
4) Start with a light gameplay style
Don’t jump straight into extreme or violent methods. Beginners are better off starting with gentle verbal instruction, blindfolds, light bondage, feathers, slapping, etc., gradually exploring their own interests and tolerance levels.
Only you truly know your body’s and mind’s reactions. Stop immediately if you feel any discomfort; never force yourself.
5) Aftercare should never be skimped on.
After every activity, regardless of its intensity, there should be aftercare. Even something as simple as having a drink of water, a hug, or a chat is an essential step in restoring emotional connection.
A Dom who only plays and ignores aftercare is likely unreliable.
05. Common Misconceptions Among Female Submissive Beginners
Myth 1: You have to listen to everything the Dom says?
Wrong! You have the right to say “no.” Disobeying is not wrong; being yourself is the most important thing.
Myth 2: Shame = Inferiority?
Absolutely not! Shame is part of the emotional experience; it’s a pleasure you voluntarily participate in, and it doesn’t indicate low character.
Myth 3: Is SM just violence?
Wrong! All actions must be based on safety, consent, and trust. Violence, harm, and acts of degrading one’s dignity are unrelated to BDSM.
Myth 4: Are all people in the industry “dirty”?
Most people in the circle are rational, gentle, and law-abiding; the key is self-acceptance and mutual respect.
06. Beginner-Friendly Light BDSM Play Ideas for Female Subs
Light gameplay:
- Verbal play: Simple commands and teasing dialogue give your brain a “taste of pleasure” first.
- Blindfold/eye mask: Losing sight heightens other senses, making the experience more thrilling.
- Silk scarf bondage: Bind your hands and feet, and enjoy the subtle thrill of struggle and control.
- Feathers and light paddles: Gently tease the skin, experiencing the mix of pleasure and anticipation.
- Collars/Leashes: Enhance the sense of belonging and ritual, ideal for emotionally connected subs.
Safety Tips:
- Please use safe materials for the props, pay attention to blood circulation during operation, and do not restrict for a long time.
- Pat gently and be mindful of your own tolerance level; stop immediately if you experience any discomfort.
07. Be brave and be yourself; safety is the sexiest thing!
BDSM is neither “perverted” nor “pleasing others”.
It is the way you choose to explore your physical, psychological, and emotional connections.
You can be gentle, or you can be strong.
You can be shy, or you can be bold.
As long as you are willing, clear-headed, and enjoying it, you are doing it right.
May every female M:
When you meet a Dom who respects you, understands you, and is willing to take care of your feelings…
May you understand yourself better and become more confident.
Happiness is necessary, but safety is even more important.
Entering a circle isn’t about being led along; it’s about taking your own first step in exploration.