Have you ever heard someone say on social media, in a group chat, or in gossip, “My partner has no interest at all—how can I get them to try BDSM?” And then, while listening, you wonder: Who is BDSM suitable for? Can my partner try it? Will I be labeled a “pervert” the moment I bring it up?
Don’t rush. Today, we’ll talk about how to gradually awaken your partner’s curiosity about BDSM in the most down-to-earth way, upgrading your relationship from “ordinary daily life” to “a little exciting and a little novel.” We’ll also lay out those seemingly taboo questions clearly—they’re not as difficult to talk about as they seem.
Why are more and more people interested in BDSM?
Let’s be clear: BDSM is not the exclusive domain of a few people, nor is it synonymous with being “perverted”.
A 2023 survey on Zhihu (a Chinese Q&A website) showed that 57% of respondents were curious about or wanted to try BDSM/SM, but less than a third actually dared to talk about it openly. The reason is simple: fear of rejection, fear of being ridiculed, and fear of ruining the comfortable atmosphere between two people.
As psychologist Eliot Aronson once said, “Novelty is the natural stimulant for intimacy.” Even if you lead very conventional lives, your desire for excitement and adventure is no less than that of a seasoned “experienced” person. It’s just that some people will actively explore, while others are more willing to try things out with their partner.
Is BDSM innate? Can a partner’s interest be awakened?
Here’s a little-known fact: BDSM interests are not an innate “genetic defect.” Many people’s BDSM tendencies are gradually ignited within a framework of emotions, security, and trust.
A study (cited from Steve Brown’s 2017 experiment) had 120 couples experience mild blindfolding, simple restraints, and verbal commands. The results showed that 65% of the couples who initially felt nothing experienced increased sexual satisfaction after the experience. Furthermore, the ratio of men to women willing to try it was almost equal.
In other words, BDSM can be cultivated as a potential, provided that you communicate, trust each other, and maintain curiosity. Like learning to swim, you’ll be nervous the first time you get in the water, but it’s natural to want to try different styles after you get used to it.
How to determine if your partner has “BDSM potential”?
1. Pay attention to small details in daily life
If your partner enjoys being led by you in life or occasionally lets you take the lead (choosing clothes, planning schedules), they may be curious about the feeling of being controlled. Occasionally saying things like “You take the lead” or “You decide” in bed, or being able to accept mild punishment/disciplinary jokes, could also be signals. Enjoying being praised for being “well-behaved” or being interested in contrasts is also worth noting.
2. Test the waters in the conversation.
When discussing BDSM scenes in movies, TV shows, or jokes, do they avoid the topic, feel awkward, or make fun of it or express curiosity? Do they find “slightly shy” situations (such as being caught holding hands in public or being “directed” by you at home) exciting or embarrassing and uncomfortable?
3. Personality Tendencies
Curious and adventurous people are more likely to accept new ways of playing; couples with a strong sense of trust are more likely to see BDSM as a way to enhance intimacy rather than a burden.
Four Steps to Awaken BDSM Interest
Step 1 : Communication – Be honest but not abrupt
Don’t start by handing over handcuffs or suddenly saying, “Tonight I’ll take the lead,” as that can easily create an awkward atmosphere. The correct approach is more like an invitation than a command.
Practical suggestions:
- Choose a relaxed moment, such as while watching short videos or gossiping together, and tentatively ask, “Do you find that feeling of being slightly restricted/ordered around interesting?”
- Use “curiosity” to suggest, rather than command: “Shall we try something new? I’ve heard a lot of people find it exciting.”
Tip: The American Psychological Association suggests that sex topics are more readily accepted when discussed in “non-bedroom” settings.
Step 2 : Start with the basics and progress gradually.
Don’t rush into extreme gameplay. Start with zero-risk, low-barrier experiences; this will make it easier for both parties to relax and develop an interest.
Top 3 beginner-friendly gameplay features:
- Blindfold – Not knowing what will happen next is exciting in itself. A tie or scarf can be used.
- Verbal control – for example, quietly giving small tasks: “I’ll arrange things tonight,” or “Close your eyes for ten seconds.” Experience the feeling of being controlled or in control.
- Light restraint – Tying your hands with a scarf or gently pressing your hands are good ways to start; there is no pain or psychological pressure.
You can add elements of “small rewards or punishments”: reward completing the task (kiss, praise), and punish making a mistake (being made to laugh, doing a small thing). Treat the process as a little game between couples, rather than a serious ritual.
Step 3 : Sensitivity Test – Observe the other party’s reaction at any time.
Any BDSM activity requires close attention to the other person’s feedback: Are they nervous, resistant, or curious and excited? Are they willing to try again? Or are they just trying it out of politeness and not wanting to continue?
Setting safety words is very important. You can agree on words like “red light/stop/don’t,” and once these words are spoken, you must stop immediately to ensure that both parties feel safe.
Step 4 : Gradually upgrade, build trust and a sense of ritual
Once you’re comfortable with the basics, you can gradually explore more elements: Sex toys (feathers, handcuffs, collars, etc.), role-playing (such as “dominant/submissive” scenarios), and jointly establishing boundaries and no-go zones. All upgrades must be done with full communication and mutual consent to avoid damaging trust.
Practical Case: Couples Who Bravely Take the First Step
“My partner was initially very shy, but when I casually suggested, ‘Want to try being blindfolded?’ she immediately went to find a scarf, and later she became even more playful than I was.” — Netizen “Xiao Q”
“I used to think BDSM was very extreme, but I didn’t expect that the relaxed restraints and appropriate instructions would actually bring us closer. After playing, we always hug and talk about our feelings, and my sense of security skyrocketed.” — Shared on Douban Group
Research shows that couples who are willing to explore new ways of playing together experience significantly higher levels of sexual satisfaction and emotional intimacy (data from the Journal of Sexology, 2021).
What should you do if your partner is really not interested?
Not everyone will accept it immediately, and not every relationship needs to develop BDSM tendencies. The key is respect and communication: you can express your needs, but you shouldn’t force the other person.
If your partner clearly expresses dislike, don’t force it. You can try other acceptable new activities (using sex toys or changing the setting), or slow down the pace and give each other time to adjust.
Conclusion
BDSM is not a scary label, nor is it the exclusive domain of a select few. It is a way of exploring within an intimate relationship, a fresh adventure based on trust, respect, and curiosity. If you want to awaken your partner’s interest in BDSM, start with curiosity and gentle probing, taking it step by step. Don’t let shame or misunderstandings stop you from discovering more possibilities for intimacy.
After all, the deepest intimacy often comes from the moment when both parties are willing to try new things together.