Becoming a “dominant” or “submissive” in BDSM isn’t something you can simply do by putting on a black leather jacket and grabbing some props. True D/S (Dominance & Submission) is more like a psychological dynamic between two people: guiding while following; giving power while entrusting trust.
This article will discuss “how to actually do this”—
It’s not mysticism, not a set of tricks, and not one of those half-understood “aura tutorials” online.
We will break down domination and submission into several parts that you can actually use:
- What is their true nature?
- How to establish a sense of dominance (no need to be fierce or play the role of a “big boss”)
- Essential Habits of Excellent Dominants
- The mindset and expression of excellent submissives
- And what are the differences when facing men and women?
To put it simply:
This isn’t about teaching you to “overpower someone,” but rather about teaching you “how to create a power exchange with the other party.”
Ready? Let’s start with “what exactly is domination and submission?”
The essence of domination and submission in BDSM
In BDSM, domination and submission may seem like opposites—one controls, the other obeys. But the truth is not one of “you are strong, I am weak.” A more accurate description is that it’s a cooperative structure where both partners agree, prepare, and engage together, and invest themselves together. If you think of D/S as an adversarial relationship, you’re basically in the wrong place.
Where does the ruler’s power come from?
It wasn’t shouted out, nor was it “forced” out—it came from a sense of responsibility.
When you are willing to lead and the other party is willing to follow, this exchange itself is a form of trust.
The core of D/S is not physical domination, but rather the mutual agreement to temporarily transfer “power” to each other.
- Dominant takes control of the stage
- Submissive provides space to let go of control and immerse oneself in the experience.
Both people are satisfied within this dynamic balance; it’s not a one-sided sacrifice.
Of course, all of this is based on three words: safety, consent, and communication.
Whether you like SSC or RACK, it all boils down to one sentence:
Play is acceptable; recklessness is not.
This is why security terms, security signals, and border communication are considered standard practice.
They don’t ruin the atmosphere; they make it worthy of being there.
On a psychological level, domination and submission each fulfill different needs:
Some people feel secure when they are in a leadership position;
Some people find freedom in surrender.
Aftercare is important because D/S is not a “finish and walk away” model, but a complete emotional cycle.
In other words, the essence of D/s is not: “I command, you obey”.
Instead, it means: “Let’s enter into a power structure that both sides are willing to play.”
Does it sound like a game?
In some ways, yes.
But it’s a game where two people sign their names with trust and agreement.
How to dominate in BDSM
In BDSM, true “dominance” isn’t about pinning the other person down, yelling at them, or making big movements. That’s losing control, not having control.
The core elements that guide us are always: psychology, language, and rhythm.
If you can maintain these three things, you will be the most powerful person in the scene—even if you don’t move a single finger.
1. First, define the framework: What are you playing, how are you playing, and to what stage are you at?
To take the lead, you must first understand the scope of your control.
This isn’t romance; it’s basic skill.
You need to understand:
- What are the other party’s hard boundaries (those that must never be crossed)?
- What is the soft limit (determining whether the game can proceed)?
- What feelings does the other person want (humiliation? being guided? being controlled? being affirmed?)?
- What are safe words (you need to know when to stop)?
Leading is not going with the flow; it is “knowing that you are guiding an experience that both parties have agreed to.”
2. Psychological control takes precedence over physical control.
Dominating your aura isn’t about shouting, but about what you say, how you say it, and when you say it.
Language can be your primary weapon:
- Clear commands
- Brief instructions
- Rhythmic guidance
- Pause, wait, gaze
These are more oppressive than any “heavy-handed” methods.
A slow, steady “Good. Now hold still.”
It’s more effective at getting the other party into character than resorting to force.
3. Controlling the rhythm – this is the biggest difference between Dom and “violent” play.
A true leader always knows when to go fast, when to go slow, and when to stop.
You need to read the reaction:
- Breathing becomes faster
- Muscle tension
- Avoiding eye contact or becoming more focused
- Your body follows your rhythm
If you can understand these, you can control the progress.
Controlling the progress means controlling the experience.
No rushing, no chaos, no unnecessary intensity—that’s the power of a Dominant.
4. Verbal cues are your most accurate weapon.
You don’t need to speak loudly. You just need to be clear.
To get the other party into a state of submission, use a calm tone and clear instructions.
For example:
- Kneel down.
- “Look at me.”
- “Answer me.”
- “Hold this position.”
Straightforward, concise, and without explanation—that’s the core of dominant language.
5. You need to let the other person know that you are leading, not just letting them do whatever they want.
Dominance is not about wildness, but about a stable force.
Your presence must be felt by the other person:
“I can follow you because you know what you’re doing.”
This is achieved by:
- Stable tone of voice
- Calm emotions
- Consistent behavior
- Continued attention
Dominance is not about acting assertively, but about becoming “the most reliable person in the scenario”.
6. Rhythm + Psychology + Language = True Dominance
Violence only leads people to lose their focus and can even destroy trust.
Mastering the rhythm, understanding psychology, and using language effectively will make the other person willingly fall under your control.
This is true D/s dominance.
It’s not about oppression, but guidance.
It’s not about heavy-handedness, but precision.
It’s not chaos, it’s structure.
How to become a good dominator in BDSM
To be a good leader, it’s not enough to just have a strong presence, nor is it enough to learn a few commands. An excellent Dom (Dominant) is essentially a stable, reliable, communicative, and boundary-aware person. Your goal is not to overwhelm the other person, but to guide them into the scenario you both create.
Below are the core competencies for becoming a truly excellent leader: straightforward, actionable, mentor-like, but not verbose.
1. Communication is your most important skill.
A good DOM never “guesses”.
You need to take the initiative to ask questions, confirm things, and listen.
You must be clear:
- What can the other party accept?
- What is absolutely unacceptable?
- What are the emotional triggers?
- How the other party wants to be guided
Without communication, you’re not a Dom — you’re a risk.
2. Clearly set boundaries—including your own.
Many people only ask about Sub’s bottom line, but don’t talk about their own.
A stable Dom must tell their partner:
“What can I do, what can’t I do, and how far will I go?”
The clearer your boundaries, the more stable the scenario.
Vagueness is a sign of an immature DOM.
3. Building Trust – This is the True Power of DOM
Domination is not about “suppressing,” but about “leading.”
If the other party doesn’t trust you, you can’t control anything.
Building trust is simple:
- Ensure consistency in instructions and avoid being fickle.
- Emotionally stable and not out of control
- Be responsible for your actions and don’t act recklessly.
- Keep your word and avoid causing any unexpected surprises.
Your sense of stability will determine whether the other person is willing to lower their guard.
4. Use agreed-upon language instead of making unwarranted derogatory remarks.
A good DOM doesn’t use offensive language.
Humiliation is acceptable, but it must be humiliation agreed upon by both parties .
Unauthorized malicious words are not “training,” they are harm.
What you need to do is:
- Discuss acceptable forms of address
- Identify which words are unique to your context.
- Maintain a distinction between character content and reality.
Controlled, intentional behavior is a key quality of a Dom.
5. You are in a leading position, but you are not in “absolute control” of everything.
Life control, behavioral norms, obedience training—all of these can be played with.
But they must be based on:
Guide, not seize power.
You can set the rules, but you can’t live someone else’s life.
A good Dom always knows how to maintain appropriate boundaries.
6. Punishments, tasks, and humiliations must all be within the “settings”.
Punishment is not about venting anger.
Humiliation is not insult.
The task is not torture.
All of these must:
- Discussed beforehand
- Within acceptable limits
- In a specific scenario
- Conducted under the protection of secure words
Once you cross the line, D/S is no longer a consensus game.
7. Aftercare is a mandatory course, not an “optional” one.
You can be strong, you can be cold, you can command, you can control—
But after it’s over, you have to “bring the other person back”.
Aftercare is part of your responsibility:
- Physical comfort
- Emotional stability
- Affirmation and Feedback
- Steps to return to reality
A Dom who ignores this is not a competent Dom.
8. Remember: Dominance ≠ Aggression
Shouting, violence, chaos, emotional fluctuations, and a desire for control are not forms of domination.
A true Dom is a calm, clear-headed, structured, and responsible person .
You gain the other party’s willingness to submit not because you are ruthless.
It’s because you deserve to relinquish control.
How to become a good submissive in BDSM
Being a good Sub is not about being “weak” or “giving up yourself.” True surrender is an active choice, a collaborative relationship built on openness, communication, and trust. Below are the most practical and direct guidelines.
1. First, understand this: surrender is not passive, but rather an “active delivery.”
An excellent Sub needs to clearly know what they want, what they can accept, and what they absolutely will not touch.
The clearer you are about it, the safer and more confident Dom can guide you.
2. Make the boundaries clear; don’t hide anything or rely on guesswork.
Before you begin, you need to make three things very clear:
- Your Hard Limits (Absolutely not)
- Your Soft Limits (can be used in specific situations, but slowly)
- Your Safe Word must be spoken aloud, and you must make sure you actually dare to use it.
A good Sub doesn’t accept everything, but rather clearly expresses what is acceptable and what is not.
3. Your communication skills determine how well the dynamic works.
A good sub is not silence, nor is it pandering; it is expressing oneself.
- How am I feeling today?
- “This level of force is acceptable.”
- “I’m starting to feel uncomfortable in this situation.”
- “I want to try going a step further.”
Communication makes you safer, and it also makes DOM more reliable and accurate.
4. Trust is the “first gift” you give.
You can choose to relax in front of Dom.
But this trust is not blind; it is based on:
- DOM stability
- Dom respects your boundaries
- Emotional care provided after practice
Only when all these things are in place can you truly surrender, rather than just pretend.
5. Actively maintain a sense of role, but do not lose yourself.
Excellent Subs will:
- Strictly adhere to the agreed-upon rules (daily schedule, forms of address, etiquette, etc.)
- Reinforce surrender through feedback, reports, or specific habits
- Stay focused during training; avoid joking around or being perfunctory.
But it will also be clearly distinguishable:
- Identity in BDSM
- Myself in daily life
You are not “owned” by the DOM; You choose to let them lead the experience.
6. Learn to “maintain a stable mindset” during training instead of forcing yourself to endure.
Pain, humiliation, and sensory stimulation can all lead to emotional fluctuations.
A good Sub will:
- Use breathing and rhythm to maintain calm
- Actively remind yourself, “I am safe, I am in character.”
- Use safe words to end things when necessary, rather than letting yourself suffer until you break down.
“I can stop” is healthier than “I can endure.”
7. Your involvement is also needed for aftercare.
It’s not something that Dom can be solely responsible for.
You also need:
- Actively express your feelings after training
- Tell Dom which parts of the process make you feel particularly comfortable or uncomfortable.
- Let them know how to be more stable and thorough next time.
Good Subs can help a DOM become a better DOM.
Differences in male/female dominance in BDSM
Gender does not determine who is more “powerful,” but it does influence how power is presented.
The core principle is always: psychological interaction > physical strength.
The following comparison helps to understand the most common differences between the two roles.
1. Differences in behavioral patterns
| Role | Common Behavior Presentation | How they exercise power |
| Dominant Male (Dom) | More direct instructions, clear rules, and control of pace | Building authority through structure, framework, and action |
| Dominant women (Dommes) | More use of language, suggestion, and psychological pressure | They often amplify tension through emotional control and psychological manipulation. |
2. Differences in psychological motivation
| Role | Typical driving force |
| Dom | A sense of responsibility, protectiveness, and the sense of accomplishment from taking control of the experience. |
| Domme | Self-expression, breaking through stereotypical gender roles, and enjoying the sense of power that comes with psychological dominance. |
3. Differences in social cognition
| Role | How do outsiders view it? |
| Dom (male) | More easily accepted by the culture; “dominance” is considered the default option. |
| Domme (female) | It still faces bias; however, its visibility is rapidly increasing in the modern context. |
4. The real difference in the balance of power
Whether it’s Dom or Domme:
- Neither gains control through physical strength.
- All require Sub’s delivery, response, and trust to complete the power cycle.
- Domination is interactive, not a one-way output.
Gender differences are simply differences in style, not differences in ability.
The core of domination and submission is consensus.
Ultimately, BDSM isn’t about who wins or loses, nor is it about who is stronger or more ruthless.
It’s more like a journey built together by both parties: you are responsible for the direction, and I am responsible for the pace; you give the power, and I give the response.
Domination is not a solo act, and submission is not a sacrifice.
The core spirit of BDSM is when two adults clearly nod, agree, and consent, and then work together to take the experience to a deeper level.
Without communication, trust, and “let’s play together,” it’s not BDSM; it becomes a recipe for disaster.
So remember this simplest truth:
The exchange of power is a matter between two people. Domination and submission must be mutually agreeable, built by both partners—only then can it be fun, safe, and authentic.